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Deadwood
10-20-2012, 05:55 PM
Canada for President of the United States.

We, the people of Canada, the long time ally of the United States, neighbor and poor cousin, wish to become your president, save you from yourselves and make us feel, really, really important.

Our policies: a twelve step road to utopia.:



We will take turns as residents of the White House, eliminating the nasty assed dissent about who is there. We will increase national revenues by making it a lottery. This will appeal to liberals and conservatives as the former seek universality in all things and conservatives because they like to gamble.
We will change driving laws changing from driving on the right hand side to the left. This will appeal to both liberals and conservatives as it will create jobs in the all important auto industry as all automobiles will have to be retrofitted, again appealing to both conservatives and liberals as both want jobs, jobs, jobs. And liberals really, really like anything left.
We will outlaw rudeness. Again appealing to both sectors as conservatives hate rudeness and liberals will be pleased at the increase in public sector union jobs needed to regulate this awesome new law.
We will reduce military spending in a three front attack. First by eliminating the pesky issue of paying people; I mean if you’re going to “serve’ your country then stop the insanity of profiteering.
Second we will reduce the cost of the naval fleet by having sub marines double as aircraft carriers.
And three, the outlawing of rudeness will dramatically reduced the need for war. These measures will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be able to feel they have accomplished their goal of raping the military and conservatives will be able to have their testosterone enhancement by remaining the greatest military force in the world despite the fact the US has ‘lost’ every war since WW2.
We will not legalize pot, but simply cease enforcing the existing laws. This will enable us, as your president, to continue the ability to say things like “we have the toughest anti-drug laws in the known universe.” It will also free up police officers to deal with more important issues of enforcing the new law of driving on the left and appeal to liberals by converting a segment of the police population into gun toting social workers.
We will outlaw insanity enabling police to get “help” for nut bars. This will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be appeased with the goal of increasing public sector jobs and conservatives in that it will eliminate such insanity of gang violence and drive by shootings.
We will honor the spirit of the second amendment, allowing the right to keep and bear arms, which will appease the right, but we will outlaw ammunition in a cleverly sly move to appease to the left.
Our foreign policy will be the keeping of the tradition of Theodore Roosevelt: “speak softly and carry a big stick.” It worked then it should maybe work again. Well, we’re pretty sure on that one, but the stick is probably going to have to be really, really big.
Our environmental policy will be similar to our drug policy, in fact we will increase the size of the civil service but disallow any enforcement. This will appeal to both sectors as this will increase public sector unionized jobs while allowing multi-nationals to increase the rape of the land.
We will outlaw any further oil or gas pipeline projects. Instead we will force able bodied welfare recipients to carry buckets of the stuff at minimum wage.
We will change the national symbol from the eagle to the beaver to first create harmony between Canada and the US and create a whole new sub culture for comedians.
And finally we will eliminate the term limit thing as we will likely get really fond of living in the White House which, BTW, we will repaint with a red maple leaf in the front and back to make it stand out more and look presentable in the winter. This was the original intent of the architect, Thomas Jefferson, but he got too distracted having sex with his slaves.


So, come election day, simply write in Canada, sit back and wait for the new utopia.

garyo
10-20-2012, 05:57 PM
I vote for it!!

Peter1469
10-20-2012, 06:14 PM
That driving on the wrong side of the road thingie is a non-starter....

Morningstar
10-20-2012, 06:15 PM
That driving on the wrong side of the road thingie is a non-starter....

Agreed. That's just weird...

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 06:24 PM
If I can buy a six-pack of beer in a grocery store in PA on Sundays (before church lets out!), I'm in.

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 06:30 PM
If I can buy a six-pack of beer in a grocery store in PA on Sundays (before church lets out!), I'm in.

Oh, well that's not a problem at all. But, we are going to tax the living shit out of alcohol and tobacco products for the "benefit of people's health" only. It will not be used as a cash grab, but to "treat" people affected by these products.

Peter1469
10-20-2012, 06:30 PM
If I can buy a six-pack of beer in a grocery store in PA on Sundays (before church lets out!), I'm in.

When I was in law school (New Orleans) I went to the grocery store before noon and had about $120 worth of stuff, including a case of beer. It was 11:45 when I tried to check out, and they wouldn't sell me the beer. So I walked out leaving everything on the counter. I know it wasn't their fault, it was the stupid law. So I sorta feel sorry for them.

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 06:32 PM
When I was in law school (New Orleans) I went to the grocery store before noon and had about $120 worth of stuff, including a case of beer. It was 11:45 when I tried to check out, and they wouldn't sell me the beer. So I walked out leaving everything on the counter. I know it wasn't their fault, it was the stupid law. So I sorta feel sorry for them.

I've done that in Ohio and Alabama also.

Didn't feel guilty either because I got the "what are you fucking stupid" treatment.

Morningstar
10-20-2012, 06:34 PM
If I can buy a six-pack of beer in a grocery store in PA on Sundays (before church lets out!), I'm in.

Ugh...

PA alcohol laws...

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 06:35 PM
That driving on the wrong side of the road thingie is a non-starter....

And here I thought you would have a problem with the not paying the military thing.

We can compromise on the conversion to the left hand side thing [whose to say its "wrong"?]

We would be prepared to consider phasing it in; cars and motorcycles in the first year, trucks and buses in the second year. We're nothing if not flexible.

oceanloverOH
10-20-2012, 06:38 PM
What? No military retirement check? Shirley, you jest.

garyo
10-20-2012, 06:40 PM
You are always spot on.

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 06:42 PM
What? No military retirement check? Shirley, you jest.

My name is not Shirley.


And we can be flexible on that too, perhaps something akin to the Roman Empire. Give soldiers a home when their TOD is over.....

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 06:48 PM
When I was in law school (New Orleans) I went to the grocery store before noon and had about $120 worth of stuff, including a case of beer. It was 11:45 when I tried to check out, and they wouldn't sell me the beer. So I walked out leaving everything on the counter. I know it wasn't their fault, it was the stupid law. So I sorta feel sorry for them.


I had that happen to me in California several years ago. I was also carded! I was in my mid 30's at the time.

As your president, the Canadian people will not let that happen. First of all it's rude and that will be illegal. People who do that will be "moderated" and probably be given a stern lecture on the first offense, a severe lecture on the second offense and made to do many, many ours of community service for a third offense.
After that, they will be tasered in unmentionable places and I don't mean the parking lot.

We're really, really tough on crime these days.

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 06:49 PM
I had that happen to me in California several years ago. I was also carded! I was in my mid 30's at the time.

As you president, the Canadian people will not let that happen. First of all it's rude and that will be illegal. People who do that will be "moderated" and probably be given a stern lecture on the first offense, a severe lecture on the second offense and made to do many, many ours of community service for a third offense.
After that, they will be tasered in unmenttionable places.

We're really, really tough on crime these days.

I joke around with cashiers nowadays.

"I get carded more now that I'm over 40 than I did when I was under 20".

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 06:52 PM
OH, and I would like to ask that you tell your friends and so forth.


We're too cheap to spend money on a campaign, so we need word of mouth. But will win so you might as well.

Why we even have one vote kin here already!

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 07:11 PM
If I can buy a six-pack of beer in a grocery store in PA on Sundays (before church lets out!), I'm in.

Speaking for the entire nation, I must also assure you that we will instantly ban that watered-down crap you guys now drink. People who try to traffic in 3.2 will be taken to Gitmo.

Canadians are the world's second largest consumer of beer behind Aussies who are fed beer instead of breast milk. We will ensure that you are provided with the best, like Sleman's, Kicking Horse Ale, and as a an entry level product Molson's Golden, but only from the Ste, Adelle brewery in Quebec, not the crap from Ontario.

We promise to allow certain domestic breweries like Strohs and Coors because they have really cool names, but they will have to raise their alcohol content to something reasonable, at least 6%. This will save consumers a lot of money despite higher taxes as people will be able to get falling down, shit faced, drunk on six pack or less.

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 07:20 PM
Speaking for the entire nation, I must also assure you that we will instantly ban that watered-down crap you guys now drink. People who try to traffic in 3.2 will be taken to Gitmo.

Canadians are the world's second largest consumer of beer behind Aussies who are fed beer instead of breast milk. We will ensure that you are provided with the best, like Sleman's, Kicking Horse Ale, and as a an entry level product Molson's Golden, but only from the Ste, Adelle brewery in Quebec, not the crap from Ontario.

We promise to allow certain domestic breweries like Strohs and Coors because they have really cool names, but they will have to raise their alcohol content to something reasonable, at least 6%. This will save consumers a lot of money despite higher taxes as people will be able to get falling down, shit faced, drunk on six pack or less.

http://beerstreetjournal.com/images/Labatts-Blue.jpg

And check thy facts. Oh Canada's not even on the list.

Chinese of all people are #1.

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-06-15/news/32258929_1_wine-consumption-beer-popular-brew

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 07:23 PM
http://beerstreetjournal.com/images/Labatts-Blue.jpg

And check thy facts. Oh Canada's not even on the list.

Chinese of all people are #1.

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2012-06-15/news/32258929_1_wine-consumption-beer-popular-brew

I feel sorry for you. But, in time you will develop a taste for quality beer. Blue is superior to all American brews, but no where near the best.

And the site link provided is communist propaganda, don't believe it.

Morningstar
10-20-2012, 07:28 PM
I feel sorry for you. But, in time you will develop a taste for quality beer. Blue is superior to all American brews, but no where near the best.


You haven't had Dogfish Head...

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 07:32 PM
I feel sorry for you. But, in time you will develop a taste for quality beer. Blue is superior to all American brews, but no where near the best.

And the site link provided is communist propaganda, don't believe it.

You're dismissed.

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 07:41 PM
You're dismissed.


Hah!

We will not be deterred by such simpleton logic.

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 07:54 PM
Hah!

We will not be deterred by such simpleton logic.

Labatt is ok for lawnmower beer standards. Not great, but ok.

When we go to the Buffalo Wing Fest in lovely downtown Buffalo, Labatt sponsors it and it's pretty much all they have except for some niche stuff. I'll drink it, and a lot of it during those events, but if I'm looking for a decent, cheap yellow beer at the grocery store, it's not generally at the top of my list, but sometimes.

But to compare Labatt to some of the good craft beers out there (and there are a lot of crap craft beers on the market) - not even close, and not because it's Canadian, but because it's basically mullet beer like budmiller.

Peter1469
10-20-2012, 08:02 PM
I feel sorry for you. But, in time you will develop a taste for quality beer. Blue is superior to all American brews, but no where near the best.

And the site link provided is communist propaganda, don't believe it.

Here is a quality American beer:

http://www.northcoastbrewing.com/beer-brotherThelonious.htm

Deadwood
10-20-2012, 08:03 PM
Labatt is ok for lawnmower beer standards. Not great, but ok.

When we go to the Buffalo Wing Fest in lovely downtown Buffalo, Labatt sponsors it and it's pretty much all they have except for some niche stuff. I'll drink it, and a lot of it during those events, but if I'm looking for a decent, cheap yellow beer at the grocery store, it's not generally at the top of my list, but sometimes.

But to compare Labatt to some of the good craft beers out there (and there are a lot of crap craft beers on the market) - not even close, and not because it's Canadian, but because it's basically mullet beer like budmiller.

I did not include Labatt's nor even mention it. You did. Here it is considered swill, it at least it has an alcoholic content worthwhile.

I listed the middle scale regional brews, including Sleman's which you have raved about;' the beer you bought in Guelph.

You do realize this thread is a joke right?

Mainecoons
10-20-2012, 08:14 PM
That driving on the wrong side of the road thingie is a non-starter....

Au contraire, you are failing to notice the millions of body shop jobs that would be created literally overnight. :rofl:

Captain Obvious
10-20-2012, 08:16 PM
I did not include Labatt's nor even mention it. You did. Here it is considered swill, it at least it has an alcoholic content worthwhile.

I listed the middle scale regional brews, including Sleman's which you have raved about;' the beer you bought in Guelph.

You do realize this thread is a joke right?

Totally with ya.

Deadwood
10-23-2012, 01:37 PM
After last night's debate, we need to revisit this idea, especially making rudeness illegal...

patrickt
10-23-2012, 02:02 PM
Canada is a valuable neighbor. It's a place for our socialists to continue to run to. And, the U.S. can remain a place where Canadians can get first class healthcare.

Deadwood
10-23-2012, 02:06 PM
Canada is a valuable neighbor. It's a place for our socialists to continue to run to. And, the U.S. can remain a place where Canadians can get first class healthcare.

That will be banned by executive order when we are president.