Deadwood
10-20-2012, 05:55 PM
Canada for President of the United States.
We, the people of Canada, the long time ally of the United States, neighbor and poor cousin, wish to become your president, save you from yourselves and make us feel, really, really important.
Our policies: a twelve step road to utopia.:
We will take turns as residents of the White House, eliminating the nasty assed dissent about who is there. We will increase national revenues by making it a lottery. This will appeal to liberals and conservatives as the former seek universality in all things and conservatives because they like to gamble.
We will change driving laws changing from driving on the right hand side to the left. This will appeal to both liberals and conservatives as it will create jobs in the all important auto industry as all automobiles will have to be retrofitted, again appealing to both conservatives and liberals as both want jobs, jobs, jobs. And liberals really, really like anything left.
We will outlaw rudeness. Again appealing to both sectors as conservatives hate rudeness and liberals will be pleased at the increase in public sector union jobs needed to regulate this awesome new law.
We will reduce military spending in a three front attack. First by eliminating the pesky issue of paying people; I mean if you’re going to “serve’ your country then stop the insanity of profiteering.
Second we will reduce the cost of the naval fleet by having sub marines double as aircraft carriers.
And three, the outlawing of rudeness will dramatically reduced the need for war. These measures will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be able to feel they have accomplished their goal of raping the military and conservatives will be able to have their testosterone enhancement by remaining the greatest military force in the world despite the fact the US has ‘lost’ every war since WW2.
We will not legalize pot, but simply cease enforcing the existing laws. This will enable us, as your president, to continue the ability to say things like “we have the toughest anti-drug laws in the known universe.” It will also free up police officers to deal with more important issues of enforcing the new law of driving on the left and appeal to liberals by converting a segment of the police population into gun toting social workers.
We will outlaw insanity enabling police to get “help” for nut bars. This will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be appeased with the goal of increasing public sector jobs and conservatives in that it will eliminate such insanity of gang violence and drive by shootings.
We will honor the spirit of the second amendment, allowing the right to keep and bear arms, which will appease the right, but we will outlaw ammunition in a cleverly sly move to appease to the left.
Our foreign policy will be the keeping of the tradition of Theodore Roosevelt: “speak softly and carry a big stick.” It worked then it should maybe work again. Well, we’re pretty sure on that one, but the stick is probably going to have to be really, really big.
Our environmental policy will be similar to our drug policy, in fact we will increase the size of the civil service but disallow any enforcement. This will appeal to both sectors as this will increase public sector unionized jobs while allowing multi-nationals to increase the rape of the land.
We will outlaw any further oil or gas pipeline projects. Instead we will force able bodied welfare recipients to carry buckets of the stuff at minimum wage.
We will change the national symbol from the eagle to the beaver to first create harmony between Canada and the US and create a whole new sub culture for comedians.
And finally we will eliminate the term limit thing as we will likely get really fond of living in the White House which, BTW, we will repaint with a red maple leaf in the front and back to make it stand out more and look presentable in the winter. This was the original intent of the architect, Thomas Jefferson, but he got too distracted having sex with his slaves.
So, come election day, simply write in Canada, sit back and wait for the new utopia.
We, the people of Canada, the long time ally of the United States, neighbor and poor cousin, wish to become your president, save you from yourselves and make us feel, really, really important.
Our policies: a twelve step road to utopia.:
We will take turns as residents of the White House, eliminating the nasty assed dissent about who is there. We will increase national revenues by making it a lottery. This will appeal to liberals and conservatives as the former seek universality in all things and conservatives because they like to gamble.
We will change driving laws changing from driving on the right hand side to the left. This will appeal to both liberals and conservatives as it will create jobs in the all important auto industry as all automobiles will have to be retrofitted, again appealing to both conservatives and liberals as both want jobs, jobs, jobs. And liberals really, really like anything left.
We will outlaw rudeness. Again appealing to both sectors as conservatives hate rudeness and liberals will be pleased at the increase in public sector union jobs needed to regulate this awesome new law.
We will reduce military spending in a three front attack. First by eliminating the pesky issue of paying people; I mean if you’re going to “serve’ your country then stop the insanity of profiteering.
Second we will reduce the cost of the naval fleet by having sub marines double as aircraft carriers.
And three, the outlawing of rudeness will dramatically reduced the need for war. These measures will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be able to feel they have accomplished their goal of raping the military and conservatives will be able to have their testosterone enhancement by remaining the greatest military force in the world despite the fact the US has ‘lost’ every war since WW2.
We will not legalize pot, but simply cease enforcing the existing laws. This will enable us, as your president, to continue the ability to say things like “we have the toughest anti-drug laws in the known universe.” It will also free up police officers to deal with more important issues of enforcing the new law of driving on the left and appeal to liberals by converting a segment of the police population into gun toting social workers.
We will outlaw insanity enabling police to get “help” for nut bars. This will appeal to both sectors as liberals will be appeased with the goal of increasing public sector jobs and conservatives in that it will eliminate such insanity of gang violence and drive by shootings.
We will honor the spirit of the second amendment, allowing the right to keep and bear arms, which will appease the right, but we will outlaw ammunition in a cleverly sly move to appease to the left.
Our foreign policy will be the keeping of the tradition of Theodore Roosevelt: “speak softly and carry a big stick.” It worked then it should maybe work again. Well, we’re pretty sure on that one, but the stick is probably going to have to be really, really big.
Our environmental policy will be similar to our drug policy, in fact we will increase the size of the civil service but disallow any enforcement. This will appeal to both sectors as this will increase public sector unionized jobs while allowing multi-nationals to increase the rape of the land.
We will outlaw any further oil or gas pipeline projects. Instead we will force able bodied welfare recipients to carry buckets of the stuff at minimum wage.
We will change the national symbol from the eagle to the beaver to first create harmony between Canada and the US and create a whole new sub culture for comedians.
And finally we will eliminate the term limit thing as we will likely get really fond of living in the White House which, BTW, we will repaint with a red maple leaf in the front and back to make it stand out more and look presentable in the winter. This was the original intent of the architect, Thomas Jefferson, but he got too distracted having sex with his slaves.
So, come election day, simply write in Canada, sit back and wait for the new utopia.