Interview with the Invisible Man

I apologize in advance to those of you who might of thought there was something of worth in this posting. I understand that the title could be misleading in that it could be used to introduce a political subject in a somewhat unique manner. But no chance of that here. This is just fluff.

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I didn’t set out to actually interview the Invisible Man.

My plan was to just go to the post office and pick up a load of stuff people can’t e-mail. I didn’t realize it at first, but there he was, just standing there in front of me in line. The Invisible Man. Who’d have ever thought that he got mail. I mean, who knows his address. Where does he live, anyway? To be fair, I wouldn’t have even known he was there, except for the coughing and hacking. I couldn’t see him, but I could sure hear him.

I caught his attention and we engaged in a short conversation, during which he agreed to a short interview. We left together and wound up at a place where people couldn’t see me asking questions to a wall.

Following is my short Q-and-A with the Invisible Man.

Q: If you don’t mind, we can touch on your public side in a minute. First, I know that people are going to ask me, which do you prefer? The Invisible Man or just Invisible Man?

A: Actually, you know… I never thought about it too much. Either way is fine. But I guess in this acronym-obsessed world, you can just call me TIM, ok?

Q: Ok, thanks.

So do you have any hobbies? I mean, what does TIM like to do?

A: Well, I wear many hats.

Q: Meaning?

A: Hats. I like to wear hats.

Q: Any other hobbies?

A: No. Not really. I’m really quite boring.

Q: Do you have any pets?

A: Yes. I have a rabbit.

Q: I’m guessing he’s six feet tall and his name is Harvey.                          Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

A: Well actually, he’s just shy of 5 feet, but you know this town. But his name is Harvey. How did you know? You know, I was up for that role in the movie. The audition was just stupid. No lines, no actions. I walked out in the middle of it. I didn’t want it. Do you know who their pick was? The rocket scientists there finally realized that they didn’t actually need anyone for the part. They just had Jimmy act like he had a 6-foot talking rabbit. He had to have his eyes look like they were focusing on a six-foot tall rabbit. He had to hang his arm around just right. Take after take after take… It was a shame what they put him through.

Q: Your film, “The Invisible Man” was a phenomenal hit some years back. There were different versions made. Would it be correct to say that they were basically based on your life?

A: For the most part, yes. Hollywood, as you know, always feels the need to embellish…

Q: Care to share some examples?

A: For one, that whole “nude” scene was bogus. It never happened. Hell, I’m always naked. I’m naked right now. So big deal, right? I bet you weren’t ready for that…

For another, I never, ever wrapped my face with bandages or whatever. And no sunglasses. Ever. Why would i do that?

FYI, I was in some other films that you might have heard of.

Q: Interesting. What would some of those be?

A: “Angels in the Outfield”, “Flubber” and “House on Haunted Hill” to name a few.

Q: How do you present yourself to others? I mean, If you actually wanted someone, like me, to follow your movements?

A: I wear earrings. Or lipstick. Or both. I know it sounds strange, but hey, I AM the Invisible Man.

Q: So if I happened to dump a bucket of paint on you right now, you’d become visible to me. I’d be able to see your form, correct?

A: Probably, I guess. But i wouldn’t advise it. You’d only get away with it once. Most people in town, we have an understanding.

Q: So who portrayed you in the most recent version. I don’t recall… Would we recognize his name?

A: No. I doubt that. I don’t run anyone down, but he seriously is a nobody. He’s supposed to be a new talent. Not to be snarky, but I really believe that you won’t be seeing much of him going forward. Get it? “Seeing” much of him… Get it?

Q: I get it. Any regrets?

A: I feel bad about kids getting blamed for things I’ve done back home. You know the deal. Mom shows up and sees the bedroom window shattered, which I did, incidentally. She drags the boys into the house and asks them who did it. They tell her they don’t know anything about it. So she says, “Oh, I suppose the Invisible Man did it!” Then they usually get wacked with their dad gets home.

Yeah. I feel kind of bad about that. It’s happened more than once. Plenty of times.

Q: Were you always invisible?

A: No. It was the horrible result of a highly sensitive military experiment gone terribly awry!

Man, you watch too many movies. No seriously, I was born this way. It took awhile for my parents to come to grips. At first, Dad was accusing Mom of cheating on him. But it wasn’t too long before this one doctor reassured him that there was no reason at all for him to think that. I’m not quite sure why…

Q: Is there anything personal that you’d be willing to share with our audience?

A: Yes. I have some issues, which shouldn’t be surprising. Like relationships. There’s no hope of a long-term meaningful relationship. Sure, I sneak into random bedrooms from time to time, usually at night. You get my drift. It always winds up with a lot of screaming and not the good kind. It’s kind of depressing knowing that you’ll always be alone with no one to really share your invisible life with. I take pills for it.

Anyway, my career in Hollywood wasn’t all sunshine and roses. I spent some time as a special effects technician for several television shows. I often was tapped to physically move the lips for several animals. You’d be most familiar with the 60′s show, “Mister Ed”. The horse’s real name was Sean. He was one nasty Palamino. When he began biting, he thought is was fun, and he just wouldn’t stop. I did some bitching and told them that either Sean stops, or I split. I quit after the studio caved to Sean’s agent. The show ended that very season. Oh, I also worked with Francis the Talking Mule. Now he was a pleasure to work with. We got along well. I’ll never forget his goofy laugh, y’know.

After those gigs dried up, things went downhill fast. No one really trusted someone they couldn’t see. It’s kind of like the federal government. That’s a good analogy. No one can see it, so who in the world trusts it. Comparing myself to the US government: now I’m creeping me out.

The studios were all the same. All of them It was great as long as I was making money for them. I was their freak-buddy. They loved to show me off. Even then, though, I was never ever invited to any of their big fancy parties or their award dinners or programs. That doesn’t say that I never attended any of them, and I’m not saying I did. And I’m certainly not saying that I had a good time, or that I helped others to have fun.

One nice thing. I could live wherever I liked. With a little care, I could spend months…hell, even years, at a single place at a time. I won’t name names, obviously, but I enjoyed a year or so at the home of some of the biggest stars in town. How do you think those gossip rags get their big “scoops”? Do you think they just walked out the back door and down to those offices, tapped a “journalist” on the shoulder and handed them to him? Well, that’s just ridiculous. Why the back door? And what’s with tapping anyone on the shoulder?

I’m sorry. I’m rambling.

Q: That’s ok. It’s been an enlightening chat. Is there anything else you’d like to say before we end this interview?

A: I suppose I could continue rambling, but I’ve said enough. I’m pretty sure that once this piece is released, there’ll be a pile of lawsuits just waiting for me. It’s like me being naked. It’s just not a big deal.

I should go. Thanks for the chance to talk. It feels good once in a while. I’ve enjoyed our time and, earlier, your roast beef sandwich. See how this all works? Ok, you don’t need to walk me to the door. I’ll see myself out. LOL. Yep. I know the lingo.

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