Expand My Biblical Knowledge

[IMPress Polly]

(I'm not a believer, so it's possible that what follows may be deemed insensitive. Just forewarning everyone.)

I am not a theologian, but I'm not quite in "Two Corinthians" territory either. I have read the Bible through a couple of times before and do retain some basic knowledge. Going approximately sequentially, I know the Garden of Eden story, I know Cain and Abel, Noah and his Ark, and the miracle of Abraham raping his slave, selling out his wife to the Pharaoh, and trying to murder his own kid. And I know about Moses and the promised land that belonged to other people before God was like "You should've gotten out of the way!" And I know of Deborah, lone feminist badass of an otherwise depressing age:

Deborah.jpg




I also know how David proved the merits of child soldiers by being all...




Okay, that story truly is pretty $#@!ing awesome. Then he got power and used to to steal someone else's wife and had him killed. Oh well, such is life. Anyway, then there was Solomon and his hundreds of wives and sex slaves (what was the difference between those two categories back then again?) and...yeah it doesn't go up from there. Somewhere after that is Daniel's lesson on the merits of vegetarianism. (Being vegetarian makes lions vegetarian too! PETA: Get on this messaging!) And Ruth was pretty cool too I guess with her smooth navigation of palace intrigue. And there was some prophet named Isaiah in there somewhere who was apparently very important and yet I cannot remember a thing about what he did. And some dude named Jehoshaphat too. And a guy who lived friggin' 969 years! (Prolly all "Make the Promised Land Great Again" by the end of that.)

I also am familiar with the Psalms and Proverbs because that's where I was always told to camp on the handful of occasions that we went to church when I was growing up, so I know not to pursue wayward women, but only the virtuous kinds with supple breasts that will satisfy me always.

And then there was Jesus and his failed revolutionary cult that somehow turned into modern Christianity. I guess he was kinda cool back in the day. Rome sucked. Then ya had Paul be all "Romans can reform!" and Jesus' brother being all "Yeah right, THEY'RE LIBERALS!!". Then, after the Bible, his followers got control of Rome and forced everyone to be Christians or else, the end.

What all have I missed?

[donttread]

(I'm not a believer, so it's possible that what follows may be deemed insensitive. Just forewarning everyone.)

I am not a theologian, but I'm not quite in "Two Corinthians" territory either. I have read the Bible through a couple of times before and do retain some basic knowledge. Going approximately sequentially, I know the Garden of Eden story, I know Cain and Abel, Noah and his Ark, and the miracle of Abraham raping his slave, selling out his wife to the Pharaoh, and trying to murder his own kid. And I know about Moses and the promised land that belonged to other people before God was like "You should've gotten out of the way!" And I know of Deborah, lone feminist badass of an otherwise depressing age:

Attachment 24466




I also know how David proved the merits of child soldiers by being all...




Okay, that story truly is pretty $#@!ing awesome. Then he got power and used to to steal someone else's wife and had him killed. Oh well, such is life. Anyway, then there was Solomon and his hundreds of wives and sex slaves (what was the difference between those two categories back then again?) and...yeah it doesn't go up from there. Somewhere after that is Daniel's lesson on the merits of vegetarianism. (Being vegetarian makes lions vegetarian too! PETA: Get on this messaging!) And Ruth was pretty cool too I guess with her smooth navigation of palace intrigue. And there was some prophet named Isaiah in there somewhere who was apparently very important and yet I cannot remember a thing about what he did. And some dude named Jehoshaphat too. And a guy who lived friggin' 969 years! (Prolly all "Make the Promised Land Great Again" by the end of that.)

I also am familiar with the Psalms and Proverbs because that's where I was always told to camp on the handful of occasions that we went to church when I was growing up, so I know not to pursue wayward women, but only the virtuous kinds with supple breasts that will satisfy me always.

And then there was Jesus and his failed revolutionary cult that somehow turned into modern Christianity. I guess he was kinda cool back in the day. Rome sucked. Then ya had Paul be all "Romans can reform!" and Jesus' brother being all "Yeah right, THEY'RE LIBERALS!!". Then, after the Bible, his followers got control of Rome and forced everyone to be Christians or else, the end.

What all have I missed?

Old Testament God= A real Dick. Much like a war mongering king of the time
New Testament: Jesus truly promoted peace and love.
Now : People use the name of Jesus and others to promote old testament violence

[Peter1469]

(I'm not a believer, so it's possible that what follows may be deemed insensitive. Just forewarning everyone.)

I am not a theologian, but I'm not quite in "Two Corinthians" territory either. I have read the Bible through a couple of times before and do retain some basic knowledge. Going approximately sequentially, I know the Garden of Eden story, I know Cain and Abel, Noah and his Ark, and the miracle of Abraham raping his slave, selling out his wife to the Pharaoh, and trying to murder his own kid. And I know about Moses and the promised land that belonged to other people before God was like "You should've gotten out of the way!" And I know of Deborah, lone feminist badass of an otherwise depressing age:

Attachment 24466




I also know how David proved the merits of child soldiers by being all...




Okay, that story truly is pretty $#@!ing awesome. Then he got power and used to to steal someone else's wife and had him killed. Oh well, such is life. Anyway, then there was Solomon and his hundreds of wives and sex slaves (what was the difference between those two categories back then again?) and...yeah it doesn't go up from there. Somewhere after that is Daniel's lesson on the merits of vegetarianism. (Being vegetarian makes lions vegetarian too! PETA: Get on this messaging!) And Ruth was pretty cool too I guess with her smooth navigation of palace intrigue. And there was some prophet named Isaiah in there somewhere who was apparently very important and yet I cannot remember a thing about what he did. And some dude named Jehoshaphat too. And a guy who lived friggin' 969 years! (Prolly all "Make the Promised Land Great Again" by the end of that.)

I also am familiar with the Psalms and Proverbs because that's where I was always told to camp on the handful of occasions that we went to church when I was growing up, so I know not to pursue wayward women, but only the virtuous kinds with supple breasts that will satisfy me always.

And then there was Jesus and his failed revolutionary cult that somehow turned into modern Christianity. I guess he was kinda cool back in the day. Rome sucked. Then ya had Paul be all "Romans can reform!" and Jesus' brother being all "Yeah right, THEY'RE LIBERALS!!". Then, after the Bible, his followers got control of Rome and forced everyone to be Christians or else, the end.

What all have I missed?

The Nephilim, and how their corruption and interactions with humans resulted in lots of bad $#@!, like Noah's Flood and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

[Captdon]

(I'm not a believer, so it's possible that what follows may be deemed insensitive. Just forewarning everyone.)

I am not a theologian, but I'm not quite in "Two Corinthians" territory either. I have read the Bible through a couple of times before and do retain some basic knowledge. Going approximately sequentially, I know the Garden of Eden story, I know Cain and Abel, Noah and his Ark, and the miracle of Abraham raping his slave, selling out his wife to the Pharaoh, and trying to murder his own kid. And I know about Moses and the promised land that belonged to other people before God was like "You should've gotten out of the way!" And I know of Deborah, lone feminist badass of an otherwise depressing age:




I also know how David proved the merits of child soldiers by being all...



Okay, that story truly is pretty $#@!ing awesome. Then he got power and used to to steal someone else's wife and had him killed. Oh well, such is life. Anyway, then there was Solomon and his hundreds of wives and sex slaves (what was the difference between those two categories back then again?) and...yeah it doesn't go up from there. Somewhere after that is Daniel's lesson on the merits of vegetarianism. (Being vegetarian makes lions vegetarian too! PETA: Get on this messaging!) And Ruth was pretty cool too I guess with her smooth navigation of palace intrigue. And there was some prophet named Isaiah in there somewhere who was apparently very important and yet I cannot remember a thing about what he did. And some dude named Jehoshaphat too. And a guy who lived friggin' 969 years! (Prolly all "Make the Promised Land Great Again" by the end of that.)

I also am familiar with the Psalms and Proverbs because that's where I was always told to camp on the handful of occasions that we went to church when I was growing up, so I know not to pursue wayward women, but only the virtuous kinds with supple breasts that will satisfy me always.

And then there was Jesus and his failed revolutionary cult that somehow turned into modern Christianity. I guess he was kinda cool back in the day. Rome sucked. Then ya had Paul be all "Romans can reform!" and Jesus' brother being all "Yeah right, THEY'RE LIBERALS!!". Then, after the Bible, his followers got control of Rome and forced everyone to be Christians or else, the end.

What all have I missed?

Well truth for one thing. This is just sarcasm and deserves to be treated that way. You don't want anything but to make fun of believers. That's your problem. Live with it.

You have some need to screw with people every other day.

[Helena]

The longest name in the Bible is Maher ShalAl Hash Baz.

[Lummy]

I'm nowhere near as well versed in the Bible as is apparently IMPress Polly, but I know that the OT is loaded with death, destruction and sin.

[Peter1469]

I'm nowhere near as well versed in the Bible as is apparently IMPress Polly, but I know that the OT is loaded with death, destruction and sin.

A lot of smiting.

[Helena]

Solomon's wisdom/problem solving. Offer to cut babies in half to unmask the true mother.

[Helena]

Lying is bad, unless you lie for the right side. Then you're rewarded, dependent upon God's mood.

Rahab.

[RadioGod]

My favorite is when God tells Moses there is a land I am setting aside for you and your descendants, a land of milk and honey. Then when Moses and his followers get there, it's already in full habitation by others. So they kill them all on the order of God, and cleanse the land of gentiles. Crazy genocide. Some things never change.
I stopped believing in God a long time ago. There have been too many instances where I see truly innocent creatures and children die. A just and loving God supposedly allows that because it's part of his plan. WTF? If I die and there is a God, I am going to kill him. And if he is immortal, I will kill him every day.
I do believe Jesus was a real person, but not the son of God. I also think the miracles attributed to him are taken out of context. For instance, making the blind see again. That could be allegory for opening up someone's awareness. Like here on the forum, if someone convinced all the Trumpies to look at reality and change their position. While miraculous, it's not God status
I know I will get some hate for this. I look forward to checking my daily hate-mail on this one.