I am godzilla, king of monsters, and i too was contacted by the trump administration

[Chris]

I AM GODZILLA, KING OF MONSTERS, AND I TOO WAS CONTACTED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION TO INVESTIGATE HUNTER BIDEN

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this to aid the House Judiciary Committee’s investigation into the actions carried out by the Trump Administration in an effort to have a foreign country influence a political election.

Around 17 September, 2019 the Trump Administration attempted to contact me via phone call about assisting in the investigation of Hunter Biden’s dealings in Ukraine. We did not make contact. I do not own a phone. I am a lizard of considerable length and girth. My home is inside the ocean. Having a phone is not practical for myriad reasons.

I was made aware of this attempted phone call during a visit to Tokyo. Naturally, my visits are chaotic, so I may be misremembering portions of this incident, but I keenly recall hearing through the screams of “IT’S GODZILLA!!!” someone saying, “Godzilla, Mick Mulvaney, Chief of Staff for the Trump Administration called to request that you formally investigate Joe Biden’s son for crimes committed in Ukraine.”

I found the request to be inappropriate on multiple levels. Even me, a sea monster, anti-hero of sorts, can appreciate the value of preserving the integrity of democratic elections. But also, again, I am a sea monster with aforementioned considerable length and girth. I was at one point a metaphor for nuclear destruction. Methodical investigation of corruption is not in my skill set. There is video footage of me tripping on a car and knocking over an entire building. This request was not only criminal, it was foolish and desperate.

I am informing the council of this with no agenda; as a non-citizen of the United States I cannot vote. Even if I could....

[MMC]

Dear Godzilla.....California and NYC are eager for your visit to validate Climate Change. No Invitation required!

[Crepitus]

You guys aren't real good at the "tongue in cheek" thing.

Try to do better next time.

[Chris]

You guys aren't real good at the "tongue in cheek" thing.

Try to do better next time.

No sense of humor?

[MMC]

No sense of humor?

Cmon now....you know they have to be told when to laugh.

[mamooth]

No sense of humor?

We understand your "humor", in exactly the same way we understand the humor of a four-year-old boy telling toilet jokes. We may think the joke-teller is cute, in a dumb way, but we wonder why any adult would think the joke was a knee-slapper.

Conservatives suck at satire. To be funny, satire has to come close to reality. Conservatives are divorced from reality, so their "satire" comes across as whiny to normal people.

[Chris]

We understand your "humor", in exactly the same way we understand the humor of a four-year-old boy telling toilet jokes. We may think the joke-teller is cute, in a dumb way, but we wonder why any adult would think the joke was a knee-slapper.

Conservatives suck at satire. To be funny, satire has to come close to reality. Conservatives are divorced from reality, so their "satire" comes across as whiny to normal people.

No sense of humor?

[Captdon]

Dear Godzilla.....California and NYC are eager for your visit to validate Climate Change. No Invitation required!

His arrival woulds cause a Tsunami. It might reach Kansas.

[Captdon]

We understand your "humor", in exactly the same way we understand the humor of a four-year-old boy telling toilet jokes. We may think the joke-teller is cute, in a dumb way, but we wonder why any adult would think the joke was a knee-slapper.

Conservatives suck at satire. To be funny, satire has to come close to reality. Conservatives are divorced from reality, so their "satire" comes across as whiny to normal people.

You should look up my joke about the outhouse. It was about you. It would be worth reading.

We laugh at you so we do have a sense of humor.

[Captdon]

We understand your "humor", in exactly the same way we understand the humor of a four-year-old boy telling toilet jokes. We may think the joke-teller is cute, in a dumb way, but we wonder why any adult would think the joke was a knee-slapper.

Conservatives suck at satire. To be funny, satire has to come close to reality. Conservatives are divorced from reality, so their "satire" comes across as whiny to normal people.

You don't know any normal people. A normal person wouldn't want to know you.