Midcan puts on his conservative / republican / libertarian / cynic's hat.
I often hear the conservative right say that many college degrees and studies are useless because the real value of education is in turning the endeavor into a money making production. The arts are often criticized and many studies have no direct correlation to the market. So watching the Olympics this week has brought to my attention a major flaw in the games, they are all useless in a market, money driven world. I mean, who is going to pay you for skiing downhill, moguls, or riding a sled. These may be valuable activities if the police were chasing you, or the playground was well equipped and you wanted to show off, but come on folks, markets don't care about these things. Figure skating, pushing a stone on ice, you gotta be kidding me! And you thought liberal arts was a waste. So how about some real American sports?
Automatic Rifles as Tools: So many varying opinions in our nation concern guns and the Second Amendment that an automatic weapons event should be game one, but given the recent massacres in America and out of respect for the dead, we'll have to delay this game till the 2018 Olympics and hope and pray few mass killing occur between then and now. This game is canned for now.
Walmart Shopper's Special in Aisle: In this game contestants randomly push their carts through a massive store when an announcement is made that there is a special on foreign made products in aisle X. Winners are judged on number of products loaded in cart in a set time, including checkout time and bagging times. Great American sport and medals, also made in China, are awarded to shoppers and cashiers too.
Ad Watch Marathon: Since TV dominates our society and much of the information is nonsense why not test the 'market reason' for TV, Advertising. Contestants in this sport will watch one hundred ads and using the Walmart super store again be asked to run aisles as quickly as possible selecting the products shown in the ads. Scoring and medals will be awarded in several different categories: product ads that that are selected most often, number of products in cart, cheapest product choice, and fewest incorrect choices.
Texting and Driving Biathlon: Participants are scored in many diverse environments, and score is based on the number of successful texts sent and received minus the number of figure people run over or the number of times the participant's simulated auto hits certain markers while driving. If ad signs are hit while texting, ten points will be removed from the Olympians score. Text messages sent and received must exceed 100 characters. No points will be deducted for nonsense text as most texting is nonsense. Driving is also scored.
Cell Phone Use Sprints: With various levels of difficulty, including road blocks and loud music, Olympians talk while walking through parking lots, waiting in line at superstores, and of course drive while gabbing. Score is based on number of words spoken continuously given the numerous obstacles and interruptions.
Trash Piling: America is filled with trash, whole mountains appear outta nowhere. This takes us back inside our Olympic superstore and its aisles of odd shaped packages. Goal is to create the highest pile of trash in two minutes and forty five seconds. Variations on this are single, double, or team trash building Olympians build events.
Fast Food Drive Through: Major fast food corporations first provide an ad alleyway. Goal is for Olympian on arriving at window to select items based on ads. The winner is determined by number of ad items correctly ordered in the least amount of time. Scores are an accumulation of total advertised products with an extra bonus point for caloric content.
Investment Shenanigans: Investment advisers present a economic scenario that makes them millions but keeps them from jail. Investments are based on real world market fluctuations and bubbles. Scoring is for best bubble investment scheme that attracts the most believers in the economic brilliance of the investment contender. Judgement is done through seat activated buttons indicating this deal sounds too good to be true but may be true. A special Bernie Madoff trophy is awarded to the top performers so long as jail time would not be the obvious outcome.
Twitter Paranoia Gone Wild: Contestants are scored on the most outrageous twits on how government and government regulation are removing our freedoms. Nothing is too outrageous in this contest, but Fox viewers are isolated during the twittering so as not to use Fox news for source material. Scoring is similar to other Olympic events with five judges and high and low tossed.
Well folks whaddya think? Ideas for games are appreciated, but remember games must reflect the modern American preoccupation with money and markets. Money and markets demand customers with energy. Some of my conservatives friends say we should get rid of the summer and winter Olympics altogether as it costs money and creates too many gamers, they think these athletes would serve money and markets better in restaurants, superstores, golf courses, and more practical work like drive-thru at MacDonald's, others take an alternate view and wonder if the market games would not help convert the few remaining American people who still think life should be lived and enjoyed. If these market oriented games add to the conversion of more Americans to blind consumers who think markets are the be all and end all, this is a win win game strategy. [midcan takes conservative hat off and smiles.]
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