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Thread: How to Start a Fight

  1. #1
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    Conley's Avatar Senior Member
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    How to Start a Fight

    HOW TO START A FIGHT

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
    Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started...
    ________________________________
    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
    in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started...
    _______________________________
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
    she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
    a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
    long?"
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
    take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
    more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
    point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
    busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
    silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
    a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
    "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
    driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ______________________________
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
    50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
    discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
    bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
    and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
    husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    _______________________________
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started...
    ______________________________


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    MMC (04-18-2012),OFBUACMKA (04-18-2012)

  3. #2
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    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
    my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
    the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
    back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
    she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
    Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
    You might have gotten disability too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
    look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    That's how the fight started.

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Conley For This Useful Post:

    MMC (04-18-2012),OFBUACMKA (04-18-2012)

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    roadmaster's Avatar Senior Member
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    Well you know how to start a fight. That call a friend would have got you sleeping in the yard.

  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by roadmaster View Post
    Well you know how to start a fight. That call a friend would have got you sleeping in the yard.
    I'm used to it...the dog and I don't mind a bit.

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