The Republicans' Guide to the New Testament

[Green Arrow]

Author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839 wrote "The pen is mightier than the sword".

With this particular enemy, we could pen millions of words, they will still try to kill us.

Their minds are back in the Dark Ages, before Gutenberg invented the printing press.

The "sword" is our only course of action.

No, it really isn't. We could drop millions of bombs, and it still won't stop them. The best course of action is to turn America into a giant fortress, teach our citizens how to protect themselves, and close off the Middle East completely.

[Cigar]

To make an omelet you need to break an egg. Sometimes to achieve peace, you have to fight for it.

No $#@! ... and some people have to die for it.

[The Sage of Main Street]

What, you need more?

Romans 6:14
Ye are not under the law, but under grace.

Romans 7:4, 6
Ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ .... We are delivered from the law, that being dead. Romans 10:4Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth.

Ephesians 2:15
Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances.

If you want to go by the Bible, you should recognize that Allah is Satan. He is not the Anti-Christ, who is supposed to convert Christians to a false religion. Islam conquers, it does not convert. It is the Religion of Cain.

[PolWatch]

one of my all-time favorites: "we had to destroy the village to save it"

[CreepyOldDude]

kinda like those Christians who quote the Bible verse of 'give a man a fish & feed him for a day, teach him to fish....' Usually quoted during a discussion of welfare, etc. Always good for a laugh

hint: look to China for the actual source

I prefer "Build a man a fire, and you'll keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life."

[CreepyOldDude]

Frankly, I post what I do not to bash Christians, but to point out the absurdity of their uniquely modern perversion of the religion. Christianity turned political in the 70s and now the religion pays the price. It's not the religion of my grandfather, a Protestant minister, anymore. That makes me sad.

It is if you stay away from the Evangelicals.

[CreepyOldDude]

No, it really isn't. We could drop millions of bombs, and it still won't stop them. The best course of action is to turn America into a giant fortress, teach our citizens how to protect themselves, and close off the Middle East completely.

I have to disagree with this. Fortress America would be a horrible place. Once your focus shifts to being safe, then growing extremism in the name of safety is guaranteed. If we become Fortress America, we'll need travel papers to cross state lines within 30 years. Within 60, we'll need papers to travel across county lines.

[donttread]

After reading many comments from our forum Republicans/conservatives and listening to conservative/Republican politicians, I've decided that the New Testament clearly needs to be rewritten. I find their version a whole lot more interesting to read. For example, we'll start with the words of Jesus.

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

Well, now, that just doesn't work. The forum's great Christian philosopher, @Libhater, has spent many keystrokes informing us all that the peacemakers are dangerous and possibly insane. I think it should be edited thusly:

Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the warriors: for they shall be called the children of God.

Ah, much better. Though, if we're going to edit that one, we should definitely take care of this one, too:

Matthew 26:52
Then Jesus said unto him, "Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."

This clearly doesn't fit with our new meaning for that old Beatitude, so perhaps this will fit better:

Matthew 26:52
Then Jesus said unto him, "You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jewish weapon. Use it. Strike him down with it!"

No, wait, that won't work. That was what The Emperor said to Luke Skywalker when he tried to convert him to the Dark Side. Just, you know, change "Jewish" to "Jedi." Still, I think we're on the right track. Let's try one more edit:

Matthew 26:52
Then Jesus said unto him, "Use thy sword against him: for all they that take the sword shall be saved."

There we go. That sounds much better, and fits more accurately with our previous edit to Matthew 5:9. Surely there are more verses we can change? Oooh, how about Matthew 5:42 and Mark 10:25?

Matthew 5:42
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

Matthew 19:21
Jesus said unto him, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come follow me."

Mark 10:25
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

No, that definitely doesn't fit. Recent discussion shows that messages like this from the Pope of all people are offensive and clearly out of line. After all, how dare this Jesus fellow demonize the rich and support giving to those welfare leeches? The poor are poor through their own fault and they shouldn't get a dime of our hard-earned money. Let them get jobs and start businesses of their own! I think the verses would be much more applicable if they read like this:

Matthew 5:42
To him that asketh thee, recommend him to a business class, and to him that would borrow of thee, remark on his joblessness.

Matthew 19:21
Jesus said unto him, "If thou wilt be perfect, go and make more than thou hast, and give to the pursuits of your fellow rich men, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven and even greater treasure on earth: and go follow Cantor."

Mark 10:25
It is easier for a Porsche to fit through the eye of a needle, than for a homeless man to get a job.

Yes, yes, that's perfect! Man, this New New Testament totally rocks! I wonder what else we can change? I'm sure I'll find something!

I think modern world leaders prefer the Old Testament when you just smoted everyone who thought differently

[PolWatch]

I think modern world leaders prefer the Old Testament when you just smoted everyone who thought differently

unless it is inconvenient to their own pick & choose lifestyle....

[Green Arrow]

I have to disagree with this. Fortress America would be a horrible place. Once your focus shifts to being safe, then growing extremism in the name of safety is guaranteed. If we become Fortress America, we'll need travel papers to cross state lines within 30 years. Within 60, we'll need papers to travel across county lines.

That's why you involve the citizenry. It keeps it from getting to that point.