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Thread: Gaily New Zealand

  1. #251
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    Awryly's Avatar Senior Member
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    Now that the durm and strang of outraged American cons has been exhausted, they might consider how their FBI works.

    FBI Headquarters, Washington DC.
    The director of the FBI is being briefed by his top agents.Director:
    Well, men, what's this week's clear and present danger?
    (Agents consult their briefing books.)
    First agent: Uh, bearded Islamist terrorist masterminds hell-bent on destroying everything we hold dear.
    Director: Same as last week, then?
    First agent: Yes, sir.
    Director: And the week before that. And every week for the last 11 years. I mean, how many Islamist terrorist masterminds can there possibly be? The drones take out a couple of dozen every week, but they just keep popping up.
    Second agent: That figure includes collaterals.
    Director: Collaterals?
    Second agent: Yes sir. People killed in drone strikes who aren't terrorist masterminds. Technically speaking.
    Director: Well, who are they then?
    Second agent: Family - a lot of these guys have multiple wives ...
    Third agent: Like Mormons?
    (An awkward silence. The director gives the third agent a cold stare.)
    Second agent: As I was saying: family, babysitters, neighbours, passers-by, lonely goatherds, hermits with a cave-sharing arrangement ...
    Director: I get the picture. Listen up, men. The public's getting bored with jihadist terrorists, and if they're bored, they're no longer scared. It's a short step from there to feeling safe and secure, and we all know what that means. We need a new bogeyman.
    Third agent: Leaving aside terrorists, the Chinese, the Russians, the French, illegal immigrants, Latin American dictators and Simon Cowell, who do the American people fear and loathe most?
    (The others exchange puzzled looks.)
    Director: Hell, I don't know. Who else is there?
    Third agent: Germans!

    Dotcom's mansion (Dotcom's a German), Coatesville, NZ
    Kim Dotcom talks on his cellphone as he drives to the letterbox in a Hummer.
    Dotcom: You'd like me to refer to you as Mr Peninsula? Say no more. As we say in my native country, a nod's as good as a wink to a blind fledermaus.

    GCSB Headquarters, Wellington [they're our and your goons]
    An intelligence officer sits in front of a bank of electronic equipment listening intently through earphones. His eyes light up.
    Intelligence officer: If that's not code, I'm a banana. Something's afoot.
    Editorial interjection: he probably is a banana.
    (He removes the earphones, picks up the telephone and jabs in a number.)
    Intelligence officer: Operation Sauerkraut is go. Repeat, Operation Sauerkraut is go.

    A country pub
    The buzz of conversation is suddenly drowned out by an almighty commotion from outside. The door bursts open; a man in full body armour wearing a balaclava and carrying a sub-machinegun enters. The pub-goers stare at him in slack-jawed confusion.
    Man in balaclava: Would anyone happen to know where a fella called Kim Dotcom lives? Big bloke, some sort of foreigner. It's somewhere around here apparently.
    (There's a tense hush. Eventually one of the patrons steps forward.)
    Patron: He's up in Coatesville, mate. Just head up the Coatesville-Riverhead highway. Biggest bloody house this side of Buckingham Palace - you can't miss it.
    Second patron: Wanna bet?

    Dotcom's mansion
    Dotcom has the headphones on, singing along to Weird Al Yankovic's Fat.
    Dotcom: The pavement cracks when I fall down, I've got more chins than Chinatown.
    (The music's so loud that he's oblivious to the uproar outside. His wife enters in a panic.)
    Wife: Kim, what's happening? Why are all those men outside?
    (Dotcom pulls off the headphones and rushes to the window. There are tanks on the lawn and helicopters hovering overhead. Commandos are pouring out of the convoy of military vehicles backed up down the drive.)
    Dotcom: Gott in Himmel! Dahlink, did you forget to reregister the dachshund?

    The Beehive, Wellington {that's our congress for any Yanks here]
    A Cabinet meeting is taking place. An aide enters and whispers in the Prime Minister's ear. He stands up.
    Prime Minister: Ladies and gentlemen, Operation Sauerkraut has been successfully carried out. The multimillionaires in Hollywood can sleep soundly tonight. The threat to civilisation as we know it is over.
    Deputy Prime Minister: What about the threat to our parliamentary majority?
    Remember to register your dachshund.
    Last edited by Awryly; 09-29-2012 at 01:14 AM.
    Come sit down beside me I said to myself
    And although it doesn't make sense
    I held my own hand as a small sign of trust
    And together I sat on the fence


    Anon. Very anon.

  2. #252
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    Quote Originally Posted by Awryly View Post
    Now that the durm and strang of outraged American cons has been exhausted, they might consider how their FBI works.



    Remember to register your dachshund.
    LMAO.."durm and strang"....You might want to double check that.

    It's often funny when people's vocabulary exceeds their education...however in this case both education AND vocabulary are absent.

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Akula For This Useful Post:

    texmaster (09-29-2012)

  4. #253
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    For more on the DurmStrang Institute: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Durmstrang_Institute

  5. #254
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    Quote Originally Posted by Akula View Post
    LMAO.."durm and strang"....You might want to double check that.

    It's often funny when people's vocabulary exceeds their education...however in this case both education AND vocabulary are absent.
    Alas, you are not.

    You may want to return to your television for further instructions.
    Last edited by Awryly; 09-29-2012 at 12:45 AM.
    Come sit down beside me I said to myself
    And although it doesn't make sense
    I held my own hand as a small sign of trust
    And together I sat on the fence


    Anon. Very anon.

  6. #255
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    Quote Originally Posted by Awryly View Post
    Alas, you are not.
    Deflect and try to change the subject all you like..you obviously tried to use words you don't understand...and made a garbled mess. An embarrassingly awkward display of ignorance

  7. #256
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    Quote Originally Posted by Akula View Post
    Deflect and try to change the subject all you like..you obviously tried to use words you don't understand...and made a garbled mess. An embarrassingly awkward display of ignorance
    He is a wizard, you know. (probably from Oz or some such place)

  8. #257
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    Hey Awryly, do you offhand know of any good links for NZ vacation rentals?

  9. #258
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrumpyDog View Post
    He is a wizard, you know. (probably from Oz or some such place)
    I think it's called Mordor. Just sayin

  10. #259
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrumpyDog View Post
    For more on the DurmStrang Institute: http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Durmstrang_Institute
    harry...potter...? really? isn't that children's "literature"?

    I can't tell if you're serious and defending him or making fun of him. I've been wrong before and if I am this time, no offense intended.

    Here's a clue..I'll give the definition of the words he tried to use...

    those that care can go look up what he meant and enjoy a laugh.

    a late 18th century German literary movement characterized by works containing rousing action and high emotionalism that often deal with the individual's revolt against society

  11. #260
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    Awryly's Avatar Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrumpyDog View Post
    He is a wizard, you know. (probably from Oz or some such place)

    Tin men amuse me.
    Come sit down beside me I said to myself
    And although it doesn't make sense
    I held my own hand as a small sign of trust
    And together I sat on the fence


    Anon. Very anon.

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