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Thread: How to Talk to Women

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    How to Talk to Women

    I realize this may be seen as going astray from the Geek Out Zone's basic purpose, but in the various venues of online nerd culture that I've frequented over the years, questions in the vein of "How do I talk to women?" have surfaced a number of different times, being as a particularly large swatch of geek culture is composed of introverted men who've had difficulty attracting a partner. Therefore, I figured this might actually be the most useful place to post advice of this sort. (Not that I'm attempting to suggest anything about particular PF members or what have you.)

    The following is directed at the aforementioned demographic specifically and, within that, only applies to straight men, as I really don't know anything about what might work best in the way of attracting gay or bisexual men for obvious reasons. It's worth adding, before we start, that there is no formula for attracting women because, like you, we are, after all, all different. The following advice is simply a collection of general and very basic ideas that I think most women would agree with as helpful. In other words, following this advice does not guarantee anything, but it will probably help your chances of finding a partner if you're an introverted man seeking a female partner.

    1) Practice basic hygiene. All you have to do to be considered presentable is shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, and comb your hair. It takes a lot more effort than that for women, so I think most women feel that the least you can do is the basics. Doing anything less than the aforementioned basics on a daily basis will hence be thought of an inconsiderate, lazy, and selfish, to say nothing of just plain gross. This really is a must.

    2) Don't use pick-up lines. Be yourself! Geek culture is infamous for the broad influence that neo-masculinist thinking has therein (e.g. Return of Kings, Gamergate, Niche Gamer, etc.). Don't listen to those voices. Only the most shallow women with the least self-respect respond to pick-up lines. For the vast majority of us, they're a major turn-off. Unless you want 'aggressive, arrogant, and lame' to be the first impression a prospective partner gets of you, you'll instead opt for a normal introduction like "Hi, my name is ___. What's yours?" or, if you want to be flattering without being disrespectful, maybe something like "Hey, you caught my eye. I'm ___. What's your name?".

    3) Have more than one interest in life. Not many women are attracted to perpetually unemployed 30-somethings who live in their parents' basement where they spend 10+ hours a day playing video games and the rest of it eating or sleeping. Sorry. That makes you uninteresting and unsexy. My advice is to scale back whatever obsession you may have to more like two or three hours a day so you'll have time to look for the work that will get you a place of your own and something else to talk about.

    4) Communicate! The data shows that men tend to both talk and listen considerably less than women do and that, I think, leaves a lot of women frustrated. Try to work on the art of both listening and talking more. I'm by no means a master of the art myself (I'm on the introverted side too!), but I find that practice does help. That's one of the reasons I like my job: it forces me to be more sociable than I'd naturally be. And when you do talk, don't always just talk about yourself. There's more than one person in the world who matters.

    5) Work out and eat reasonably healthy. Yes, it's true: women are human. We do tend to consider the sexual possibilities involved in your appearance as a factor. However, I don't think most women consider your appearance a decisive factor in terms of whether they'll be open to dating you (or whatever). I wouldn't. So don't get too discouraged if you're overweight or what have you. Just try and work on it.

    6) Take no for an answer. Geek culture includes a lot of Nice Guys. Among feminists, the term Nice Guy means stalker. The association derives from experiences like turning down an offer only to get something like "But I'm a nice guy! Why do nice guys finish last?!" in reply, followed by more pursuit and/or public shaming as revenge. I suppose it's not a surprising mentality for those men who's primary venue of access to the world is pop culture, which mostly casts women as victory prizes for this or that "accomplishment", however major or minor, positive or negative, but in the real world, women have autonomy. Simply not being a jerk won't necessarily get you a date (or whatever it is you're looking for). If you're turned down, accept it and move on. Don't keep pursuing. Continuing to pursue after being rejected isn't romantic or sexy, it's scary. It means you don't respect her will and that's pretty basic. And yes, stalkers do indeed finish last, and not just with feminists.

    Again, none of this guarantees anything. This is just general, very basic advice that I think will help your chances if you're struggling in this area.
    Last edited by IMPress Polly; 05-01-2016 at 07:20 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    I realize this may be seen as going astray from the Geek Out Zone's basic purpose, but in the various venues of online nerd culture that I've frequented over the years, questions in the vein of "How do I talk to women?" have surfaced a number of different times, being as a particularly large swatch of geek culture is composed of introverted men who've had difficulty attracting a partner. Therefore, I figured this might actually be the most useful place to post advice of this sort. (Not that I'm attempting to suggest anything about particular PF members or what have you.)

    The following is directed at the aforementioned demographic specifically and, within that, only applies to straight men, as I really don't know anything about what might work best in the way of attracting gay or bisexual men for obvious reasons. It's worth adding, before we start, that there is no formula for attracting women because, like you, we are, after all, all different. The following advice is simply a collection of general and very basic ideas that I think most women would agree with as helpful. In other words, following this advice does not guarantee anything, but it will probably help your chances of finding a partner if you're an introverted man seeking a female partner.

    1) Practice basic hygiene. All you have to do to be considered presentable is shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, and comb your hair. It takes a lot more effort than that for women, so I think most women feel that the least you can do is the basics. Doing anything less than the aforementioned basics on a daily basis will hence be thought of an inconsiderate, lazy, and selfish, to say nothing of just plain gross. This really is a must.

    2) Don't use pick-up lines, be yourself! Geek culture is infamous for the broad influence that neo-masculinist thinking has therein (e.g. Return of Kings, Gamergate, Niche Gamer, etc.). Don't listen to them. Only the most shallow women with the least self-respect respond to pick-up lines. For the vast majority of us, they're a major turn-off. Unless you want 'aggressive, arrogant, and lame' to be the first impression a prospective partner gets of you, you'll instead opt for a normal introduction like "Hi, my name is ___. What's yours?" or, if you want to be flattering without being disrespectful, maybe something like "Hey, you caught my eye. I'm ___. What's your name?".

    3) Have more than one interest in life. Not many women are attracted to perpetually unemployed 30-somethings who live in their parents' basement where they spend 10+ hours a day playing video games and the rest of it eating or sleeping. Sorry. That makes you uninteresting and unsexy. My advice is to scale back whatever obsession you may have to more like two or three hours a day so you'll have time to look for the work that will get you a place of your own and something else to talk about.

    4) Communicate! The data shows that men tend to both talk and listen considerably less than women do and that, I think, leaves a lot of women frustrated. Try to work on the art of both listening and talking more. I'm by no means a master of the art myself (I'm on the introverted side too!), but I find that practice does help. That's one of the reasons I like my job: it forces me to be more sociable than I'd naturally be. And when you do talk, don't always just talk about yourself. There's more than one person in the world who matters.

    5) Work out and eat reasonably healthy. Yes, it's true: women are human. We do tend to consider the sexual possibilities involved in your appearance as a factor. However, I don't think most women consider your appearance a decisive factor in terms of whether they'll open to dating you (or whatever). I wouldn't. So don't get too discouraged if you're overweight or what have you. Just try and work on it.

    6) Take no for an answer. Geek culture includes a lot of Nice Guys. Among feminists, the term Nice Guy means stalker. The association derives from experiences like turning down an offer only to get something like "But I'm a nice guy! Why do nice guys finish last?!" in reply, followed by more pursuit and/or public shaming as revenge. I suppose it's not a surprising mentality for those men who's primary venue of access to the world is pop culture, which mostly casts women as victory prizes for this or that "accomplishment", however major or minor, positive or negative, but in the real world, women have autonomy. Simply not being a jerk won't necessarily get you a date (or whatever it is you're looking for). If you're turned down, accept it and move on. Don't keep pursuing. Continuing to pursue after being rejected isn't romantic or sexy, it's scary. It means you don't respect her will and that's pretty basic. And yes, stalkers do indeed finish last, and not just with feminists.

    Again, none of this guarantees anything. This is just general, very basic advice that I think will help your chances if you're struggling in this area.


    That communicate part seems unreasonable to me....
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    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    I realize this may be seen as going astray from the Geek Out Zone's basic purpose, but in the various venues of online nerd culture that I've frequented over the years, questions in the vein of "How do I talk to women?" have surfaced a number of different times, being as a particularly large swatch of geek culture is composed of introverted men who've had difficulty attracting a partner. Therefore, I figured this might actually be the most useful place to post advice of this sort. (Not that I'm attempting to suggest anything about particular PF members or what have you.)
    First off, thanks for all the tips - I go to an all-boys school, and I don't get to meet many girls - so this is important for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    The following is directed at the aforementioned demographic specifically and, within that, only applies to straight men, as I really don't know anything about what might work best in the way of attracting gay or bisexual men for obvious reasons. It's worth adding, before we start, that there is no formula for attracting women because, like you, we are, after all, all different. The following advice is simply a collection of general and very basic ideas that I think most women would agree with as helpful. In other words, following this advice does not guarantee anything, but it will probably help your chances of finding a partner if you're an introverted man seeking a female partner.
    Cool. All information is welcome.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    1) Practice basic hygiene. All you have to do to be considered presentable is shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, and comb your hair. It takes a lot more effort than that for women, so I think most women feel that the least you can do is the basics. Doing anything less than the aforementioned basics on a daily basis will hence be thought of an inconsiderate, lazy, and selfish, to say nothing of just plain gross. This really is a must.
    I don't understand the need for this advice. Showering, brushing your teeth, and combing your hair, is stuff everyone does automatically and without thinking about it (and if you play sports, you have to shower many times a day - or you, and specially your feet, get smelly).

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    2) Don't use pick-up lines. Be yourself! Geek culture is infamous for the broad influence that neo-masculinist thinking has therein (e.g. Return of Kings, Gamergate, Niche Gamer, etc.). Don't listen to those voices. Only the most shallow women with the least self-respect respond to pick-up lines. For the vast majority of us, they're a major turn-off. Unless you want 'aggressive, arrogant, and lame' to be the first impression a prospective partner gets of you, you'll instead opt for a normal introduction like "Hi, my name is ___. What's yours?" or, if you want to be flattering without being disrespectful, maybe something like "Hey, you caught my eye. I'm ___. What's your name?".
    I don't know any 'pick up lines', and if I meet a girl, the first thing I want to be is friendly - so no need for 'pick up lines'.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    3) Have more than one interest in life. Not many women are attracted to perpetually unemployed 30-somethings who live in their parents' basement where they spend 10+ hours a day playing video games and the rest of it eating or sleeping. Sorry. That makes you uninteresting and unsexy. My advice is to scale back whatever obsession you may have to more like two or three hours a day so you'll have time to look for the work that will get you a place of your own and something else to talk about.
    Well, I'm still in school so I dunno if much of that applies to me - but I try to find out what a girl is interested in, rather than talk about my interests. Obviously I can't share her interest in clothes or boys, but there's loads other stuff - like music - we can share. And girls seem to like talking about themselves.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    4) Communicate! The data shows that men tend to both talk and listen considerably less than women do and that, I think, leaves a lot of women frustrated. Try to work on the art of both listening and talking more. I'm by no means a master of the art myself (I'm on the introverted side too!), but I find that practice does help. That's one of the reasons I like my job: it forces me to be more sociable than I'd naturally be. And when you do talk, don't always just talk about yourself. There's more than one person in the world who matters.
    The listening isn't a problem, but the talking more is hard for me. When I'm with a girl, or girls, I tend get a bit self-conscious and don't say all that much. I don't talk about myself cos there isn't much to talk about, but I'm often asked to tell more about me and what I like. I'm also aware that I have a 'Pommy' accent, and I'm a bit scared the girls will laugh at me - so I mostly just listen.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    5) Work out and eat reasonably healthy. Yes, it's true: women are human. We do tend to consider the sexual possibilities involved in your appearance as a factor. However, I don't think most women consider your appearance a decisive factor in terms of whether they'll be open to dating you (or whatever). I wouldn't. So don't get too discouraged if you're overweight or what have you. Just try and work on it.
    Lol, I play loads of sport, but I'm too small and too light, and I don't think any chicks are going to have those sort of dreams about someone like me.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    6) Take no for an answer. Geek culture includes a lot of Nice Guys. Among feminists, the term Nice Guy means stalker. The association derives from experiences like turning down an offer only to get something like "But I'm a nice guy! Why do nice guys finish last?!" in reply, followed by more pursuit and/or public shaming as revenge. I suppose it's not a surprising mentality for those men who's primary venue of access to the world is pop culture, which mostly casts women as victory prizes for this or that "accomplishment", however major or minor, positive or negative, but in the real world, women have autonomy. Simply not being a jerk won't necessarily get you a date (or whatever it is you're looking for). If you're turned down, accept it and move on. Don't keep pursuing. Continuing to pursue after being rejected isn't romantic or sexy, it's scary. It means you don't respect her will and that's pretty basic. And yes, stalkers do indeed finish last, and not just with feminists.
    That's not a problem for me - the problem is getting up enough confidence to ask the question in the first place.

    Quote Originally Posted by IMPress Polly View Post
    Again, none of this guarantees anything. This is just general, very basic advice that I think will help your chances if you're struggling in this area.
    Thanks for your help.
    Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
    for a glow worm's never glum,
    'cause how can you be grumpy
    when the sun shines out your bum!

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    William wrote:
    I don't understand the need for this advice. Showering, brushing your teeth, and combing your hair, is stuff everyone does automatically and without thinking about it (and if you play sports, you have to shower many times a day - or you, and specially your feet, get smelly).
    You might be surprised! I once dated a nerdish guy who, at a certain point when we met up in a public place, I noticed smelled really bad and looked pretty unkept. I sarcastically asked when the last time he showered was and, to my surprise and disgust, he informed me that he hadn't showered in a week. That nearly ended the relationship on the spot because I couldn't believe how inconsiderate he'd been. I opted to instead help him master the art of self-maintenance by offering to shower with him, but not everyone is that generous and I don't know that I'd be again.

    I don't know any 'pick up lines', and if I meet a girl, the first thing I want to be is friendly - so no need for 'pick up lines'.
    That's a good thing!

    Well, I'm still in school so I dunno if much of that applies to me - but I try to find out what a girl is interested in, rather than talk about my interests. Obviously I can't share her interest in clothes or boys, but there's loads other stuff - like music - we can share. And girls seem to like talking about themselves.
    Be careful about gender stereotyping! I know that marketing frequently casts girls and women in stereotypical ways (which is wrong), but in the real world, not all of us obsess over things like clothes and shopping and whatnot. But you're right about music: that's a pretty universal interest. And there are others. Even if your top interest in life is something like sports, you might be surprised by how many women follow professional sports, so don't shy away from asking about those sorts of things either. (I'm not one of them, I'm just saying. )

    The listening isn't a problem, but the talking more is hard for me. When I'm with a girl, or girls, I tend get a bit self-conscious and don't say all that much. I don't talk about myself cos there isn't much to talk about, but I'm often asked to tell more about me and what I like. I'm also aware that I have a 'Pommy' accent, and I'm a bit scared the girls will laugh at me - so I mostly just listen.
    As a fellow introvert, I understand! Fear of rejection can be a very powerful thing. I've learned that getting better at talking and sharing is just one of those things that takes practice. You know, make a conscious effort to do so and you'll gradually get better at it as your grow more confident.

    Lol, I play loads of sport, but I'm too small and too light, and I don't think any chicks are going to have those sort of dreams about someone like me.
    You never know what someone may be interested in.

    Thanks for your help.
    Any time!
    Last edited by IMPress Polly; 05-01-2016 at 08:35 AM.

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    All it takes.

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    I think perhaps the basic realisation that these are other human beings is the key thing to grasp, people who might be interesting to know even without the sex bit.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GrassrootsConservative View Post


    All it takes.

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    I agree with you Polly and all women should demand it.

    All of them not only reasonable and very basic. It was a special feeling when I was very young when you spoke to a girl that you always had the queasys over to get discabobulated and stumbly. When you got older there still was a feeling of umm like a little adrenaline rush, I cant explain it right anyway you got a special feeling when you were near and talking to a woman you were attracted too and you were always on your best behavior putting your best foot forward. I really really hope the youth and young adults havent lost that feeling and that memory. Everything is so much faster today.

    I was tellingg a couple of my daughters recently to make sure they taught their daughters standards and to make them know to hold a guy to them. I was told more or less to shush we got this dad. I "helped a little" to teach my girls those standards.
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    I am attracted to the nerdy type (my wife is kind of nerdy, introverted a little) but the feminist type is my polar opposite. Ice cold shower.

    But, just like Joan Cougar Mellonbush said - "forget about that macho $#@! and learn how to play guitar".

    Be a musician and women will hurl themselves at you.
    my junk is ugly

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    Most of those things sound accurate.

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