Neverending tears...

[resister]

Thx Jimmy. One thing that is eating me up with guilt is that she called me the day before her heart attack. I didn't want to talk to her at that moment so I didn't answer my phone. Her VM said that she had something wonderful to tell me....something that would permanently change my life for the better.
Now I'll never know.

I have sent her away via 911 3 times now. I kick me thinking I should of seen it, hindsight.

I only get educated after she is admitted into the ICU.

[Kacper]

Tomorrow it will be one year since my mom died. It's been a horrible year. Many times I thought about swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I actually did it one night. All it did was make me violently sick.
How do you fix something when some of the pieces are missing?

I'll never forget that morning. She had another series of heart attacks one after another. They said they destroyed the bottom part of her heart. There was no hope. So me and my sisters agreed to take her off her machines...to let her go. She was in an induced coma in the hopes her heart would rest and heal. So we all got around her bed and said our goodbyes and told her we love her and that's why we were letting her go. I'll never forget what happened next. She raised her hand up and grabbed mine as a single big tear rolled down her dimples. Even though she wasn't "awake" she heard us. And my poor daddy was standing there crying and screaming, "no, don't! Give her my heart! She needs it more than I do!" We stood there and watched until she took her last breath.
It was awful. I wouldn't wish that one anyone.
I still have moments when I'll reach for my phone to call her...then reality hits and I realize I can't ever call her again. I have some voicemails she left me. I listen to them once in a while just so I can hear her voice.

If you made it this far...thanks. I just had to get it all out.

You may be fixated on how she died. If you have tried to take your own life, you should seek professional assistance in dealing with your grief.

[silvereyes]

You may be fixated on how she died. If you have tried to take your own life, you should seek professional assistance in dealing with your grief.

I have a counselor. Thx.

[silvereyes]

You'll never get over it, at least that's my experience. Instead, you'll find a way to celebrate her over time. For me, it was about doing the things we liked to do together.

My grandma made chicken and noodles from scratch every time we came up because bethere loved them. After her passing, I decided to learn how to do it from scratch. Any shortcuts just wouldn't do. As soon as I figured out how she probably made the noodles (after years of trial and error) I stumbled on her actual noodle recipe. She put it in a place (behind a beautiful picture in a horrible replaceable frame) where she knew I would someday find it.

I was pretty close. Now I have it cold.

But the therapeutic thing was figuring it out for myself.

You'll figure it out for yourself, too. You'll see. Cut yourself a break.

btw. The secret was that we ALWAYS had angel food cake for dinner when we had noodles. Can you guess why?

Why?

[silvereyes]

ToniGaryWedding-1009.jpg
With my beautiful baby sister on her wedding day last April.

[Bethere]

Why?

Because the recipe called for separating whites from yolks. You use a couple of whites and a dozen yolks. So you are left with 10 egg whites. They're worth just pennies, but she was a depression wife. So, she'd save money by making angel food cake with them.

If I were you, I'd get a bag of peanuts and go to the zoo.

[Ann Fann]

Tomorrow it will be one year since my mom died. It's been a horrible year. Many times I thought about swallowing a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I actually did it one night. All it did was make me violently sick.
How do you fix something when some of the pieces are missing?

I'll never forget that morning. She had another series of heart attacks one after another. They said they destroyed the bottom part of her heart. There was no hope. So me and my sisters agreed to take her off her machines...to let her go. She was in an induced coma in the hopes her heart would rest and heal. So we all got around her bed and said our goodbyes and told her we love her and that's why we were letting her go. I'll never forget what happened next. She raised her hand up and grabbed mine as a single big tear rolled down her dimples. Even though she wasn't "awake" she heard us. And my poor daddy was standing there crying and screaming, "no, don't! Give her my heart! She needs it more than I do!" We stood there and watched until she took her last breath.
It was awful. I wouldn't wish that one anyone.
I still have moments when I'll reach for my phone to call her...then reality hits and I realize I can't ever call her again. I have some voicemails she left me. I listen to them once in a while just so I can hear her voice.

If you made it this far...thanks. I just had to get it all out.

Don't even think again about committing suicide, suicide doesn't end the pain, it just spreads it around.

When I was in high school I came home one afternoon to find the mortuary taking my mom away on a stretcher. She had been ill and was lying on the couch watching TV when she died in her sleep. I wasn't right for a year after that, especially when people would say stupid things like "It's all for the best". I never knew my father and although I lived with my step father, my two ugly step sisters moved in (I call them my "sisty uglers") and proceeded to make my life miserable. I left when I was 17.

The scar never heals but it gets easier from here, press on. You will never get over it but you will get stronger.

[Common]

@silvereyes my deepest condolences, its so hard to lose someone you love so much. Keep you chin up knowing your mother is in a better place.

[Refugee]

@silvereyes

Wasn’t meant to, but it sort of turned into an essay.

It’s not turning into a competition, but many years ago I got divorced, lost my little stepson, business, house and my father died - all within the space of eight weeks. I know what you’re going through Silvereyes, it’s not just grief, it’s an actual physical mind-numbing pain that you can see no end to. Took me around five years to pull myself out of that one, but eventually it does start to lessen and turns into a memory.
Talking is a lifesaver, but you’ll also be told to get out among people and do things … it’s BS as you already know, because what you really want is to just curl up and die and you won’t be the life and soul of any party for a long time yet. There is no shortcut though, the pain is something we all have to go through.

As you’ve caught me in a reflective mood, I suppose we older ones seem grouchy at times as we’ve seen, lived and experienced too much and life has stopped being ‘fun’. We just force ourselves through it now. One thing I found that helped was talking to my deceased parents. I don’t mean out loud, but in the little everyday things that life brings up I’d quietly think to myself; if this was a problem, what would they have advised me to do? It sort of shortened the distance between us and made it feel as if we were all back together again. Another thing is I let go of is materialism.
Good job, Rolex watch, International holidays twice a year and all the trimmings became of less value and I sort of stopped looking for success and learned to go with the flow and funnily enough, became successful again., but in a different kind of way.



I’ve done my stint helping out in the Bangkok slums and as a volunteer with the Thai Police. Taught morals to kids as a core subject on the Burmese (Myanmar) border and now find myself on the edge of the Russian steppes being a Zūnjìng de lǎoshī role model to High School Mongolian teens. Through all this, I carry my parents memory with me and perhaps it’s just me, but I found that the more I concentrated on others instead of myself, the more relaxed and (difficult to put into words), but the more I felt that were with me, if you understand what I mean.

This is a life changer for you, it’s meant to be. Ahead of you are the paths you can take and I’d listen to that little voice inside your head and follow it. Fame, successes, wealth? If you were a millionaire you’d give every dollar you had to spend five minutes back with Mum and so would we all with ours. Those cakes you used to make together? When you get over the initial pain go and make a big tray full, take them down to the old folks home and give them away to those not fortunate to have their own children look after them. They too are someone else’s mother and father.
That old woman down the street that shuffles about and no one ever talks to? Go over and say hello.


In all this you’ll feel closer to what those who were once here would have wanted you to be. Follow the change, you won’t regret it and remember that every day that passes is another day closer to being re-united.

[Trish]

Story #2: I was about the same age. My parents took us 30 miles away so we could use a pay phone. We saw that the theater thing was open. Daddy bought us Tix to the new movie that started that day...Peter Pan. In the scene where the syrens are trying to kill Wendy apparently I stood up in my seat and started yelling at the movie, "hurry Peter pan...save her Peter pan!"

My dad slid all the way down in his seat.
O.o

Hahahahaha. Great story!