We have this day decided to indict [fill in number here] Russians for hacking the DNC computers even though the DNC never turned their computers over to the F.B.I. for forensic analysis.
These indictments are not being presented on this date to shift the news cycle away from covering corruption at the highest levels in our justice system.
While we know these Russians will never appear we are confident that if they did show up and demand we prove our case that we could get a continuance on the grounds that we are not ready to proceed.
The actions of these Russians in no way affected the outcome of the election but if you think CNN and MSNBC are going to tell you that you probably also think that this announcement was not timed to divert your attention from other current events.
This concludes the two minutes of hate and I kind of hope it did not take you that long to read it.