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Perianne
06-11-2014, 08:30 AM
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Codename Section
06-11-2014, 08:39 AM
When I was 16 I was having sex with this chick whose lawn I mowed. I had been all smooth with her because she as older and I wasn't sure how to make the moves then and when she finally said yes I was pretty excited. She lived in a house with other chicks and while we were doing it in the kitchen she thought she heard the front door open and I guess she didn't want her friends to know she was having sex with a high school kid so she flips kinda in the middle of the table to disengage quickly and she sprained my penis.

And it hurt so bad like amazingly bad and I didn't really understand that you could sprain your dick, but I could barely walk home that day. Later when I couldn't pee that night without it hurting I had to tell my mom.

They took me to the ER and I got anti-inflammatory and sex was out for MONTHS after that, couldn't even masterbate. My mother tried to be angry with me because she's a good Christian and all but I kept seeing her mouth twitch because she thought it was funny.

Matty
06-11-2014, 08:51 AM
When I was 16 I was having sex with this chick whose lawn I mowed. I had been all smooth with her because she as older and I wasn't sure how to make the moves then and when she finally said yes I was pretty excited. She lived in a house with other chicks and while we were doing it in the kitchen she thought she heard the front door open and I guess she didn't want her friends to know she was having sex with a high school kid so she flips kinda in the middle of the table to disengage quickly and she sprained my penis.

And it hurt so bad like amazingly bad and I didn't really understand that you could sprain your dick, but I could barely walk home that day. Later when I couldn't pee that night without it hurting I had to tell my mom.

They took me to the ER and I got anti-inflammatory and sex was out for MONTHS after that, couldn't even masterbate. My mother tried to be angry with me because she's a good Christian and all but I kept seeing her mouth twitch because she thought it was funny.

Gosh that's some dick if you can walk on it.

Captain Obvious
06-11-2014, 09:05 AM
I think I told this one here before somewhere but when I was dating my wife, I was 16, she was 18. Took her to the drive-in theater where they showed porns (remember them?). They carded her, not me.

Anyway, we're in there watching the flick and I decide to go down to the concession stand to get some sodas. Her fucking uncle is there working the stand, says "you better not be here with my niece or I'll kick your ass". So I go back to the truck and tell her we gotta leave.

Just recently we were at a family event thing with her aunt (who divorced that uncle since) and were talking about it. Apparently she was there too, I never knew that. She worked the kitchen. She knew about that also.

Codename Section
06-11-2014, 09:13 AM
I once climbed down a 6 story building to not have to walk past a girl I had just slept with who was in the kitchen making breakfast. I went out onto her balcony, climbed over the edge, dropped to the next one, and so on til i got to the ground. I sometimes wonder what she thought when she went back into her bedroom.

I used to be such an asshole.

Captain Obvious
06-11-2014, 09:20 AM
We used to park down in a parking lot in an old abandoned Gimbles store in Pittsburgh to screw.

Got busted by a cop one night.

Twice, same cop. After getting busted by the cop we drove back a half hour later to finish, same guy nailed us again.

Perianne
06-11-2014, 09:21 AM
I once climbed down a 6 story building to not have to walk past a girl I had just slept with who was in the kitchen making breakfast. I went out onto her balcony, climbed over the edge, dropped to the next one, and so on til i got to the ground. I sometimes wonder what she thought when she went back into her bedroom.


Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Gerrard Winstanley
06-11-2014, 09:30 AM
I think I told this one here before somewhere but when I was dating my wife, I was 16, she was 18. Took her to the drive-in theater where they showed porns (remember them?). They carded her, not me.
Travis Bickle? Is that you?

Codename Section
06-11-2014, 09:31 AM
Well in my defense she did pretend she was into casual sex but when we woke up suddenly I was "different" and she wanted to spend the day together.

I really didn't want to be different. I just wanted to be same old.

Common Sense
06-11-2014, 09:35 AM
I once climbed down a 6 story building to not have to walk past a girl I had just slept with who was in the kitchen making breakfast. I went out onto her balcony, climbed over the edge, dropped to the next one, and so on til i got to the ground. I sometimes wonder what she thought when she went back into her bedroom.

I used to be such an asshole.

Damn...

Matty
06-11-2014, 09:48 AM
Yeah, that's pretty bad.


She must have loved his walking stick, :)

Perianne
06-11-2014, 09:50 AM
She must have loved his walking stick, :)

You funny!

Captain Obvious
06-11-2014, 09:51 AM
She must have loved his walking stick, :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYlDbv7MqE8

Captain Obvious
06-11-2014, 09:53 AM
Or, conversely:

"What happens when [INSERT JOKE TARGET NAME HERE] runs into the wall with a hard on? He breaks his nose."

Codename Section
06-11-2014, 09:54 AM
So I had a girlfriend who wanted to have sex at her house while her parents were out. She was never allowed to have ANY guests over much less a guy, like her parents were super strict. So I had to leave a full hour before they were due to be back just in case.

She had this Siamese cat that decided I guess that my keys were awesome play toys so when we were done and I had to find my keys they weren't on the table. The cat had done this before so she starts screaming and looking in all the cat hiding places. She's yelling at me to help her look. We finally found them in the lift up grate under the gas fireplace along with a few dead mice, balls, and socks. So I grabbed them and took off just as her parents were rounding the bend.

The Sage of Main Street
06-11-2014, 01:46 PM
I think I told this one here before somewhere but when I was dating my wife, I was 16, she was 18. Took her to the drive-in theater where they showed porns (remember them?).
.


Travis Bickle? Is that you? De Niro doing that on a first date with snooty Cybill Shepherd was one of the many ridiculously unrealistic things about Taxi Driver. But it all fit in with Chickenhawk-lovers comforting fantasy that Vietnam veterans are nutcases.

Mr. Freeze
06-11-2014, 03:16 PM
I knew a guy that pulled a "Spud" and shit the bed literally while having sex with a girl. I think she was probably more traumatized by it than he was because he's kind of an asshole.

Polecat
06-11-2014, 05:16 PM
I knew a guy that pulled a "Spud" and shit the bed literally while having sex with a girl. I think she was probably more traumatized by it than he was because he's kind of an asshole.
Hey I know that guy too. He was telling me all about it the next day and got to laughing so hard he shit himself again.

Perianne
06-11-2014, 05:44 PM
Talk about a war on women!

Codename Section
06-11-2014, 05:47 PM
I actually know more than a few dudes that happened with. Yet another reason not to drink.

Perianne
06-11-2014, 05:49 PM
I knew a guy that pulled a "Spud" and shit the bed literally while having sex with a girl. I think she was probably more traumatized by it than he was because he's kind of an asshole.

http://i1204.photobucket.com/albums/bb414/Davian_Almonte/Smh--4.gif

Redrose
06-11-2014, 06:49 PM
My first husband was a highway patrolman. You know with the jodhpurs and boots. Due to our work hours I hadn't seen him for a couple of days so when I drove by on the way home from work, and saw his patrol car in the median at 1am I pulled behind him. He was standing with his back to me leaning on the roof of the car finishing paperwork. Traffic noise hid my approach, I walked up behind him grabbed his ass and said "hey baby wanna have sex". He turned around and it wasn't my husband. I still shudder.

Captain Obvious
06-12-2014, 07:07 AM
My first husband was a highway patrolman. You know with the jodhpurs and boots. Due to our work hours I hadn't seen him for a couple of days so when I drove by on the way home from work, and saw his patrol car in the median at 1am I pulled behind him. He was standing with his back to me leaning on the roof of the car finishing paperwork. Traffic noise hid my approach, I walked up behind him grabbed his ass and said "hey baby wanna have sex". He turned around and it wasn't my husband. I still shudder.

That's hysterical.

My mom-in-law when she was younger and me and my wife were just married, they had... similar, kind of... ass sizes. So mom-in-law is over the house and we're cleaning up to get ready to BBQ or something and I'm walking through the dining room and see my wife bent over cleaning something off the carpet, so I give her a nice, healthy smack in the ass. Except that was mom-in-law.

Captain Obvious
06-12-2014, 07:09 AM
I knew a guy that pulled a "Spud" and shit the bed literally while having sex with a girl. I think she was probably more traumatized by it than he was because he's kind of an asshole.

I'll let a fart rip right in the middle of laying pipe just to annoy her.

Never shit the bed tho. Wife pissed herself a little during the O one time, but that's as close as it got.

Captain Obvious
06-12-2014, 07:09 AM
http://i1204.photobucket.com/albums/bb414/Davian_Almonte/Smh--4.gif

Damn, missed it.

Bad link.

nathanbforrest45
06-12-2014, 09:18 AM
I once climbed down a 6 story building to not have to walk past a girl I had just slept with who was in the kitchen making breakfast. I went out onto her balcony, climbed over the edge, dropped to the next one, and so on til i got to the ground. I sometimes wonder what she thought when she went back into her bedroom.

I used to be such an asshole.

What do you mean "used to be"?

Mr. Freeze
06-12-2014, 10:06 AM
My first husband was a highway patrolman. You know with the jodhpurs and boots. Due to our work hours I hadn't seen him for a couple of days so when I drove by on the way home from work, and saw his patrol car in the median at 1am I pulled behind him. He was standing with his back to me leaning on the roof of the car finishing paperwork. Traffic noise hid my approach, I walked up behind him grabbed his ass and said "hey baby wanna have sex". He turned around and it wasn't my husband. I still shudder.

You win. :D

Polecat
06-12-2014, 10:42 AM
My first husband was a highway patrolman. You know with the jodhpurs and boots. Due to our work hours I hadn't seen him for a couple of days so when I drove by on the way home from work, and saw his patrol car in the median at 1am I pulled behind him. He was standing with his back to me leaning on the roof of the car finishing paperwork. Traffic noise hid my approach, I walked up behind him grabbed his ass and said "hey baby wanna have sex". He turned around and it wasn't my husband. I still shudder.
That is sooooo funny. I'll be chuckling about that the rest of the day.

Captain Obvious
06-12-2014, 10:49 AM
ok - I know I've told this one here before, but what the hell.

Thanksgiving day, me and the wife, still in high school, dating. Dinner at my sisters, my whole family is going. So me and her decide to take advantage of my parents empty house for an hour or so before dinner. So we're on the couch fucking away like porn stars and the front door opens (Southside row house, front door is right there). It's my dad, came back for salt.

So my sister lives like 10 miles away and instead of stopping at a convenience store and getting salt there my cheap-ass dad decided to drive back home.

Anyway, she gets up and at the speed of light runs into the bathroom, ass jiggling all the way. I jump up and I'm just standing there with a rapidly deflating erection. My dad calmly goes into the kitchen, grabs the salt and on the way out says "just make sure you lock the door when you leave".

And yeah, we did go to my sisters for dinner, and yeah - it was awkward.

To this day we've never talked about it, and I'm really not sure why not. He's probably forgotten it.

Redrose
06-12-2014, 05:15 PM
That's hysterical.

My mom-in-law when she was younger and me and my wife were just married, they had... similar, kind of... ass sizes. So mom-in-law is over the house and we're cleaning up to get ready to BBQ or something and I'm walking through the dining room and see my wife bent over cleaning something off the carpet, so I give her a nice, healthy smack in the ass. Except that was mom-in-law.

a similar thing happened with my brother-in-law. He and my sister lived with my parents for a while. Charlie was out in the yard and my sister was hanging laundry on the line. Charlie grabbed a pair of panties and rubbed them on his face kissing them, saying to my sister how her panties turn him on. She promptly told him he was kissing her mom's panties.

Perianne
06-12-2014, 05:19 PM
a similar thing happened with my brother-in-law. He and my sister lived with my parents for a while. Charlie was out in the yard and my sister was hanging laundry on the line. Charlie grabbed a pair of panties and rubbed them on his face kissing them, saying to my sister how her panties turn him on. She promptly told him he was kissing her mom's panties.

At least it wasn't her dad's undies.