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    NEW YORK, NY Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.

    "I haven't been this excited since I escaped the FBI after being abducted by aliens and forced to dance in drag at Atlantis for the delight of a lost race of reptilian creatures," said Congressman Santos after signing with the brand. "I'm a perfect fit for this great American candy brand which I invented an even better fit than I was for Adidas when they endorsed me!"

    Furious critics are still calling for Santos to resign in spite of his impressive resume, which includes fighting in the Alamo, bartending on the Titanic, and having an uncle who works at Nintendo. Others have dismissed the criticisms as transphobic and antisemitic. "Democrats are just afraid of such a beautiful young Jew-ish lady who has accomplished so much already in life," said Congressman Matt Gaetz. "She even told me she was President during the Reagan years! Impressive! I wonder if she's single. Oh wait it's a 'he?' Shucks!"

    Call your state legislators and insist they approve the Article V convention of States to propose amendments.

    I pledge allegiance to the Constitution as written and understood by this nation's founders, and to the Republic it created, an indivisible union of sovereign States, with liberty and justice for all.

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